Ahoy, ye scurvy sea sausages (ahoy!)
We seek some sea shells to spruce up the shitter (yarr!)
Now, be anyone storing a secret map of the sea shell seller’s sea shore stores?
Aye, there be that slag Sheila of Cider City, Somerset
Somerset? You mean where my bum is wet? (yarr, yarr, yarr!)
Super! Set sail for Cider City! (yarr!)

Set sail on the salty sea surface of sea
Spy through the scope and say what ya see
Do you see Sheila selling shells
Shells by the sea?
Nay! (Arrgh) But I do see

A strap and a sandwich and sailing supplies
Salad and celery and some Kinder Surpise
Some sauce and some sachets of salt and some special fried rice
Yarr, that be the shopping list! (Ohhh!)

Sailin’ to Sheila is sure to be sweet
Sheila sells sea shells and a seven-piece suite
Get us some shells and a-somethin’ to eat
Settin’ to spruce up the toilet seat

Yarr, I’ve spotted a similar ship somewhere south!
Set a course to seize it!

We’ll swoop by the ship and unsheath all our swords
We’ll slice off their scrotes, come on, spring aboard!
Slashing and stabbing and sometime we’ll search through their hoard
Yarr, what have they got?

They got silver and servants and silk and some sheep
Sixty-six sharks and seniors that seep
Let’s search through those sacks up those stairs
The stairs that are steep
Don’t stumble up those stairs!

Arr, OK I w-
(stumbling)
Yarr, there be nothing but useless gold up in ‘ere! (Ohhh!)

Sailin’ to Sheila is sure to be sweet
Sheila sells sea shells and a seven-piece suite
Get us some shells and a-somethin’ to eat
Settin’ to spruce up the toilet seat
We’ve slayed all the sailors and now we’ve set sail
There’s blood, and there’s semen, and there’s slices of whale!
We’ll speed off to Sheila by sea
To see what’s for sale

Ahoy, Somerset, let’s go ashore
To buy us some sea shells ‘til our wallets are sore (yarr!)
But it’s worse than expected
Substantially worse than we thought

Ahoy, Sheila, what do ya have for sale?
Oh, I can serve you a sucky for seventy-seven shillings!
A sucky? Shit, I’m not sure she sells sea shells
Nay, she sells herself! She’s a sea-whore!
Cock!

Yarr, time to go back empty-handed, did anyone bring their compass?
(Nay, nah, nope, nah)
I brought my phone!
Aye, that’ll do
OK Google, directions to Sheffield by boat

Set sail on the seventy-seven seas of Somerset
Swivel starboard shortly after sailing through Salisbury
Then it’s sixteen centimeters straight to Sheffield
Ye scurvy cunt