In the beginning, before time began, there was nothing. And then, a few seconds later... (explosion) Humanity was born, and with it came the sound of music! In this documentary, we will take you on a journey through most of time and not really space, as we progress together alongside the blooming of humanity’s recreational sounds. Starting with: these fucking cavemen.

(caveman sounds)

Iursinea pestis Buboes on my penis Dei oni potentis Bone fide fuck this shit Oriental rat fleas Black rats biting my testes Unum deca peste Diem goes uncarpe’d Requiem of plague All of us are diseased Lorem ipsum dolor Now all of us are deceased (coughing) Physicking beholdings had stagnated whence the olds of middle were reached, which is now The King of Frankenland had blemished the heavens, and the stacking of three wanderers in the year 1345 bemaking great pestilence in the air We bestow this knowledge unto the bearers of the unwellness in hope that it ails their shit The defilement spreads throughout the land, with no mark of slowing (We’re fucked lads!) Death, black death, black death, black death! Black death, black death, black death, black death! (screaming) Pestilence, here I come I infect your groin and bum You will be out of time Once your lymph nodes have become mine There is sewage in the street Let the blood out of your feet Just ignore your spleen and lungs I’ll spread to your daughters and sons

Ahoy, ye scurvy sea sausages (ahoy!) We seek some sea shells to spruce up the shitter (yarr!) Now, be anyone storing a secret map of the sea shell seller’s sea shore stores? Aye, there be that slag Sheila of Cider City, Somerset Somerset? You mean where my bum is wet? (yarr, yarr, yarr!) Super! Set sail for Cider City! (yarr!) Set sail on the salty sea surface of sea Spy through the scope and say what ya see Do you see Sheila selling shells Shells by the sea? Nay! (Arrgh) But I do see A strap and a sandwich and sailing supplies Salad and celery and some Kinder Surpise Some sauce and some sachets of salt and some special fried rice Yarr, that be the shopping list! (Ohhh!) Sailin’ to Sheila is sure to be sweet Sheila sells sea shells and a seven-piece suite Get us some shells and a-somethin’ to eat Settin’ to spruce up the toilet seat Yarr, I’ve spotted a similar ship somewhere south! Set a course to seize it! We’ll swoop by the ship and unsheath all our swords We’ll slice off their scrotes, come on, spring aboard! Slashing and stabbing and sometime we’ll search through their hoard Yarr, what have they got? They got silver and servants and silk and some sheep Sixty-six sharks and seniors that seep Let’s search through those sacks up those stairs The stairs that are steep Don’t stumble up those stairs! Arr, OK I w- (stumbling) Yarr, there be nothing but useless gold up in ‘ere! (Ohhh!) Sailin’ to Sheila is sure to be sweet Sheila sells sea shells and a seven-piece suite Get us some shells and a-somethin’ to eat Settin’ to spruce up the toilet seat We’ve slayed all the sailors and now we’ve set sail There’s blood, and there’s semen, and there’s slices of whale! We’ll speed off to Sheila by sea To see what’s for sale Ahoy, Somerset, let’s go ashore To buy us some sea shells ‘til our wallets are sore (yarr!) But it’s worse than expected Substantially worse than we thought Ahoy, Sheila, what do ya have for sale? Oh, I can serve you a sucky for seventy-seven shillings! A sucky? Shit, I’m not sure she sells sea shells Nay, she sells herself! She’s a sea-whore! Cock! Yarr, time to go back empty-handed, did anyone bring their compass? (Nay, nah, nope, nah) I brought my phone! Aye, that’ll do OK Google, directions to Sheffield by boat Set sail on the seventy-seven seas of Somerset Swivel starboard shortly after sailing through Salisbury Then it’s sixteen centimeters straight to Sheffield Ye scurvy cunt

As you can see, some humans were talented musicians. But, you might ask, were there only three songs made between the Pleistocene and the Golden Age of Piracy? Well, there was more, but our intern, Ashley, spilled tea all over the Egyptian mixtapes so we had to throw them out. Ahem. Anyway, let’s move right along to the decade of rock and roll.

Baby boomers and Charlie Brown Disney’s got a new movie out Cinderella’s gone and lost her shoe Now we’re gonna drop a hydrogen bomb on you LEGO, polio, milkshakes and rock ‘n’ roll Sputnik, Rosa Parks, color TV and credit cards We’re living it up here in the 50’s The Queen of England is now the queen Jammin’ to the King while we mourn James Dean Burgers and shakes going down my throat Now I’m going to the mall, gonna buy a new coat, say McDonalds, Whammo, Barbie, Marilyn Monroe NASA goes to space, our DNA has shapes We’re living it up here in the 50’s (scatting) Hepburn, UFOs, Disneyland, Fidel Castro Stalin’s dead, fuck the reds, we’ve got duckbutts on our heads HOLY SHIT! Look at all these babies Prince, Madonna, Oprah Winfrey Ice-T, Joan Jett, Kate Bush and Bruce Lee Michael Jackson, Karen Carpenter Andrea Bocelli, Peter Slipper Stevie Wonder, Dr Phil Babyface and Peter Gabriel Robbie Coltrane, Tom Petty Anita Baker, Alan Silvestri Bill Murray, Bobby McFerrin Julie Water, Billie Ocean Alright then

It started out so innocent As it touched my tongue, a shiver down spine Just a fun little experiment But what was yet to come would blow my fucking mind 52 triangles, 23 degrees Slightly warm pineapples, slightly chilly bees The floor is moving, I think I might fall over My bones are made of grass, can someone bring me a mower? LSD, be good to me Safe to be in ecstasy LSD, be good to me Gimme gimme maple syrup urine disease It all turned into quite a sight The purple haze is making me insane I’m as high as a fucking kite I’m in the sky like a bird, oh fuck, there’s a plane! Tie-dye clothes in a row form a hurricane Twisting round my body, I can see my brain I’m kissing Michael Jackson, I think I must sober I’ll take another tab, I don’t want this to be over LSD, be good to me Safe to be in ecstasy LSD, be good to me Gimme gimme maple syrup urine disease (LSD) LSD, be good to me Safe to be in ecstasy LSD, be good to me Gimme gimme maple syrup urine disease LSD, be good to me Safe to be in ecstasy LSD, be good to me Gimme gimme maple syrup urine disease

1986 Chernobyl Had a nibble At all of humanity Brave soldier You have been selected To join the elite task force Squadron X You are The Chermobilizers Get rid of the mutant menace Kill all the mutants They are a nuisance and they smell (They don’t look very well) Let’s send them back to hell Kill all the mutants Kill all the mutants Kill all the mutants Kill all the mutants 1987 Soldier’s Log I’ve been fighting for a year And I’ve become the best I’ve bashed in 10,000 skulls Broke 7,000 spines And mashed 40,000 dicks I’m the last soldier of Squadron X Check out my rock hard pecs Nothing can defeat me Because I have become The Chermobilizer Kill all the mutants They are a nuisance and they smell They don’t look very well Let’s send them back to hell Kill all the mutants They are a nuisance and they smell They don’t look very well Let’s send them back to hell Kill all the mutants Kill all the mutants Kill all the mutants Kill all the mutants (Kill all the mutants) (Kill all the mutants) (Kill all the mutants) (Kill all the mutants)

What have you heard coming from the street? That’s right you nerd, it’s the hip-hop beat It’s the sound taking over the nation I’m getting down to appropriation Here in the 90’s it’s pretty swell Unless you’re gay then you’ll go to hell (ahh!) People will look back at us and say “Why can’t the 90’s be every day?” Everybody knows It’s tinted in rose I love my bro But I can’t propose Just wear our clothes And re-air our shows You already know It’s tinted in rose Now come on dudes, let’s bring it all back I’ll show you we’re not totally whack The Simpsons is on TV tonight It’s another season, how do they write so much content Let’s log online to the World Wide Web I’m dialling up now, it’ll take a sec I made a site for my cat named Tom It’s www.kitty.com Everybody knows It’s tinted in rose Our time you chose So copy our prose Ignore our woes Cause war fuckin’ blows You already know It’s tinted in rose (solo) (wallhumping) But I can’t propose Just wear our clothes And re-air our shows You already know It’s tinted in rose Now this was a story all about how The world is different ‘tween then and now I was only six when the 90’s ended Same with you, but we pretended To be a part of this generation But now we’ve got debt and desperation So hey! Screw it! Let’s hit the arcade And get drunk on nostalgia for this decade

Up until now, all of humanity’s music had been good and wholesome fun. However, there came something that shook up the music world to its core - sexual activity. Sex was invented by Mike Hunt in 1997, and since then almost every song has been written about what no previous artists dared to bring up: sexual innuendo and debauchery.

Girl, I’m going to prom Do you wanna come along? I might not have a big penis But you are gonna wanna come see this They’ve got a table with chips They’ve got a table with a burger Let’s go a little further Here at prom, what could possibly go wrong When the buffet table is fifty miles long? My date here is lookin’ for a better fookin’ But I’m here for the cookin’ and I’ll eat it ‘til it’s gone Girl, I’m still at the prom I can’t find you, you’re gone I have a whole lot food Have you left me for some dude? He’s got some well-defined abs I’ve got a pepperoni pizza What’s better for you, Lisa? Here at prom, what could possibly go wrong When the buffet table is fifty miles long My date here is lookin’ for a better fookin’ But I’m here for the cookin’ and I’ll eat it ‘til it’s gone Lisa, you don’t like me? All this food must be bad for your psyche Well I’m not f*cking filler, like a turkey twizzler Uh, what more do you want? Got ketchup and grease stains down my front If you don’t like me then head for the door I’m gonna stay and shake on the floor Shake on the floor Shake on the floor Oh sh*t, a shake on the floor Shake on the floor Here at prom, what could possibly go wrong When the buffet table is fifty miles long? My date here is lookin’ for a better fookin’ But I’m here for the cookin’ and I’ll eat it ‘til it’s gone Here at prom, what could possibly go wrong When the buffet table is fifty miles long My date here is lookin’ for a better fookin’ But I’m here for the cookin’ and I’ll eat it ‘til it’s gone

Wakin’ up in the morning And I’m all alone Shoulda seen it as a warning I wouldn’t get my bone Rollin’ out of the shower Clean on the outside Didn’t get to plow her Well at least I tried It’s not enough, I’m out of love I want you bad You had a thing, I had to cling Now I am sad Need something else to love myself Hide my plainness It’s nice and soft and in my butt It’s my anus Gonna fuck my anus Gonna fuck it well This bad behavior Send me straight to hell Gonna fuck my anus Gonna make it swell Can you come a little closer And give it a good smell (autotuned humming) Got a backdoor, I need you no more I want an inch in my cock so I can bleed As much as yours Auto-erotic analation Self-fuck annihilation If I’m peeing we’re at the door of creation Howling at the moon Full of my penetration (autotuned screaming) Gonna fuck my anus Gonna fuck it well This bad behavior Send me straight to hell Gonna fuck my anus Gonna make it swell Can you come a little closer And give it a good smell Gonna fuck my anus Gonna fuck it well This bad behavior Send me straight to hell Gonna fuck my anus Gonna make it swell Can you come a little closer And give it a good smeeeell

It’s the year of the motherfuckin jackass Gotta get up, get off my crack-ass Gotta go the pharmacy, gotta get my Big Vax Uh-oh, here we go, look at all these side-effax Microchips in my veins Going up to my brains Gonna get massive gains Mainly in my dick! 5G, 5G Gotta get in me Moderna and Pfizer Get some inside ya 5G, 5G Now I got it in me Twitter in my iris Beats the fuckin virus We’re all here and we’ve all got the vaccine Time to see what VR has done for the crack scene Gonna use my brain waves, gotta order groceries What is the hivemind doing to my ovaries? 5G, 5G Gotta get in me Moderna and Pfizer Get some inside ya 5G, 5G Now I got it in me Twitter in my iris Beats the fuckin virus

I wanna dance in your bussy Climb inside and get all cushy We can leave the dance floor cause I know you want more I wanna dance in your bussy I wanna dance in your bussy Climb inside and get all cushy We can leave the dance floor cause I know you want more I wanna dance in your bussy Like, yeah I wanna dance in your bussy Climb inside and get all cushy We can leave the dance floor cause I know you want more I wanna dance in your bussy Like, yeah I love you almost as much as this Subway sub! Crunchy cricket filling tastes almost like chicken. Each Subway sub earns you a chance to get SubCoin for your SubWallet. Daddy’s gonna make a squelch in the kitchen! Sponsored by McDonalds. Brought you by Disney… and Coca-Cola. I wanna dance in your bussy Climb inside and get all cushy We can leave the dance floor cause I know you want more I wanna dance in your bussy I wanna dance in your bussy Climb inside and get all cushy We can leave the dance floor cause- (radio static) (beeping) Attention, attention, this is the Emergency Broadcast System. Take shelter immediately. This is not a drill. THIS is a drill. (drill sounds) An enemy attack is being launched against the United Kingdom, in particular, Sheffield. The extent of the attack is not yet known, but hopefully- (explosion) (caveman sounds)